New.
I remember once really wanting to grow up, I was in high school, 16 years old, and in grade 11, occasionally I'd be seated in my classroom physically present and mentally error code 410—Gone. You know how everyone was very excited to be either turning 16 or 18, me? Nah, y'all could have had all your sweet 16 or 18 parties, but me? for some weird reason, all I wanted was to hold my 20's in the palm of my hands and say "yep I'm a whole grown-up now." And nope, it wasn't for freedom's sake like I didn't have any, man I had the average amount of freedom a Zambian teenager could have lol.
But what about my 20's did I want so bad? The answer is growth, I wanted change, discovery, different, spontaneity, random, experience, amazement, surprise, challenge, and achievement, even though I didn't know it well, I wanted New.
2020 July 14th, girl's turning 20, "mummy, I'm a big girl now, It's what I've always wanted!!… umm sorry what did you say? I have to do what? say what? go where? wait, on my own? like in real life though? oh, I see, oh okay, umm yeah sure it's what I really want, or...wanted? right? RIGHT!!?"
"Right, but I'm starting to think I actually don't want that, because what if I... more importantly what if I don't...?"
Everything that I was supposed to be able to do now, or waited to be able to do (because you can grow up at any age really and I was waiting for 20) was straight out scary and looked so hard, well mostly because it was all New. I'm the girl that always has a maximum of only two routes to church, class, the market, to everywhere really, It doesn't get any more random than that. But now all of a sudden growing up has all these things I actively have to try out, learn how to do, start, be brave for, to face. So yeah that wasn't going to fly. No Ma'am.
So all those things I thought I wanted from my twenties, growth, change, different, etc I thought I could have without doing the needful, naïve? You could say that over and over again. Y'all, I had to start talking to more than just the people in my room, I had to actually want to go outside, I had to make real moves and be intentional about them too, I had to go out and be okay with failing? I don't know about y'all but I still can't begin to imagine anything more terrifying. And that's something I wasn't ready to do, honestly. So I just didn't.
2021 July 14th, Tasha's turning 21, "bruh I'm not even looking forward to this horror story, I wish I could go through the whole day and not pay attention to the fact that I'm growing up, let's not get it twisted, I love that I'm growing up and all, another year to my life blah blah blah, but y'all know soon I'll have to start to generate a real income, and pay bills and sustain a livelihood on my own? Like bold steps, risks and all that scary stuff, like actual adulting, with no strings attached right? What the hell was 16-year-old me high on, cause this doesn't feel or sound as good as I imagined it to be."
I'm the firstborn in a family of 5 kids, so someone tell me, how on God's green earth was supposed to get away with growing up without working towards it? I've always treasured the peace and safety that certainty and constancy came with, knowing how almost everything plays out, leaving very little room for unforeseeable events. I liked that, as a matter of fact, I loved it. But as God should have it, I couldn't stay inside my comfort zone too long ( I just remembered a time I tried to look for the benefits of staying INSIDE your comfort zone, cause I was so convinced I couldn't possibly be wrong about it), I needed to leave eventually, and the truth is somewhere deep down I still wanted to be a grown-up and feel all those things I mentioned before, I wanted New. But to experience New I needed to be okay with the dangers that came with pursuing it. I had to learn that failing is okay, that fear is normal, that sometimes you have to try over and over again, that you don't always get what you want, that you could get hurt along the way, you could lose battles, yourself, and people you love.
I spent so much time trying not to run into everything New, but many times when you're trying to avoid certain people or things, they're usually trying to do the exact opposite, and with very little strain. Trust me running into the very thing you've been trying to avoid feels 10 times worse because you're not prepared for it in the slightest. I had to have the "talk" with myself and God on several occasions, and after a long time of fighting with the stubborn part of me that kept a stronghold to familiarity, the facts were the 16-year-old in me still existed, and her dreams were still there too.
I still really wanted to sit in the fruitfulness of growth, achievement, and all that exciting stuff, but I'll have to crack open this shell and trust that as long as I have God by me, family, and friends too, the occasional fall will not render me done for. And when I get scared, sad, angry, doubtful, lonely, disappointed, feel betrayed, abandoned, left alone, hurt, hated, ridiculed, walked away from, and maybe even worse (Yoh!! Lord whatever worse is *insert crying emoji*), I'm going in the right direction. Nothing worth having, No destination worth reaching, No love worth having, No trophy/medal worth winning, No dream worth coming true, No degree worth getting rewarded, is easy.
"everything good about taking the step is on the other side of trying."
We might all have to step out of some shells, and it will feel New. If you're like me, New doesn't usually feel or sound good in the beginning, but like KB says "I'm betting the bag on myself," New will feel good. Besides "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the New is here!" Make sense? You tell me, all I know is God says New is good, so watch this space (lol legit just said "watch this space," ha! but I mean it)
2022 14 July, Mama's turning 22. "Hey Lord, I'm ready for New, I'm not so sure I like it much yet, but I need it, so let me at it, you're near me, I know I'll be fine."
(Cue Lights On by Trip Lee) How about we welcome New with a huge round of applause and maybe a standing ovation from those that want it too.
Words from the Author.
Hey Y'all, been a minute. Nope actually more like eons. But here is me!!
So I turned 22, (Imagine me doing your happy dance, but only if it's cool). I can safely say this birthday is one of the only ones I've really looked forward to, only because I chose to use it specifically as a doorway to trying to overcome something I'd always found really hard, that's trying new things. Anyway, where did I go? I haven't really figured that out myself, because I was around but not around at the same time, honestly, you'd have to be God to know, Cause I'm almost as blank. The thing is during my disappearance I had a bunch of ideas that all turned into drafts, and funny this post wasn't even one of them. I'll probably post them later as well.
I did a lot of thinking, re-evaluating, mental planning, and a lot more learning. So all in all it wasn't a useless break, let's call it a recon break, sounds cooler lol. But thank you sooooooooo sooooooo much to every person that checked in to ask why I hadn't written in a while, I remember each and every one of y'all, and every time you asked It warmed my heart literally cause what!!?? you guys actually care!!!!!! And I honestly can't say thank you enough, where ever you are, be rest assured you're the subtle reminders that the world still has good people, lol I'm not just gassing y'all. I LOVE YOU TO BITS.
I really hope you like this short blog post. To that one that's afraid to step out of their comfort zone but wants to really bad or is not convinced they should, you're not the only one, just give it a go, remember: everything good about taking the step is on the other side of trying.
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