Am I really ready for a relationship?
Hey Esse Family, for today's blog post I am coming to you with something that's very personal to me, not only because I've gone through such a phase and very intensively thought over it for a couple of years, but also because I am a certified Love junkie, you could ask anyone they'll vouch for me lol. So anyway, I love to take time out to learn a lot about everything related to relationships and love for myself. And today I'm sharing what I've come to learn up until now.
I'll start by saying I'm writing this for people searching for serious and meaningful romantic relationships, not just a fun time or something to entertain, excite and make you feel valid, because I've also learned that there are people that just want relationships for validation and that quite frankly is not healthy, but also another blog post altogether. This is for that man, woman, girl, or boy that's been contemplating the decision to get into something serious with someone or just be open to the idea. You may have gotten out of something and are trying to give it another go. You may have never been in any relationship or anything real at least, or you could have also been away from the love and commitment scene for a while, and are trying to hop back in. I'm here to give you a few things to think about before you go on ahead.
So firstly,
How Are You?
I bet you are "doing okay", or you're "just great" or you're plainly "fine", but when I ask "how are you", I'm not trying to know how life's been for you, though I do hope it's been good. I'm however trying to know how you, as an individual, are. Are you okay, at least enough for what a relationship requires, more so a romantic relationship?
Have you taken some time to carry out intensive introspection, very often it doesn't even have to be intense because it's stuff that's right at the surface, and we need not look any deeper. What's your mental, emotional, physical, and or spiritual state? Look, this isn't to say being in a bad or just not-so-good place mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually destroys all hopes for a real relationship. It just means you have a lot more to consider, for your sake and the sake of the other person. Coming to admission reduces how hard going forward with any relationship would be for both of you. Having a hard time with any of this happens to the majority of us, and it doesn't just become better overnight, it can take a while to overcome. But when you know you have something that needs attention and help, and you come to an acceptance of it, how you go about the attempt to start or continue dating is completely dependent on the situation's complexity and your overall outlook and approach toward it.
Let me simplify this and get more practical.
If you are dealing with, trust, abandonment, rejection, depression, illness, faithlessness, or any other issues, you should first start by accepting it exists, this makes it easier to deal with either on your own or with a partner. Like I said, dealing with these things doesn't mean you aren't able to be in a relationship, it just means you have to consider what carrying these burdens and trying to fix them means for you, your partner, and more especially the relationship as a whole. If you are going to be in a relationship, and you aren't okay, you and your partner will have to be fully aware of this, you will have to tell them you are struggling with ____ because this keeps transparency and accountability present and functioning, which is very important.
You might be asking, "why does it have to be this intense? It's not that deep.", well it doesn't, if, you are willing to get better enough and deal with your issues before you commit to someone. But if you aren't, which is true for many of us. Ignoring this can cause a lot of harm, relationships aren't like mere partnerships or transactions of fuzzy warm feelings, there is a lot of "because you... I...", which means, however, "you are", has repercussions for a functioning relationship, your state has a positive or negative effect on the whole thing, and for those not-so-rosy days, when your illness, sadness, anxiety, anger, or depression kicks in, both of you have to have acknowledged that you're struggling with something, this makes room for aid, and not ridicule or conflict. It's not fair for a party in a relationship to have to constantly deal with issues they aren't aware of in the first place, only because you chose not to share it.
If you aren't willing to share these issues in a relationship and make these things known, it's better for you to not get into one at all, at least only until you are quote on quote 'healed'. Again, it's not fair to keep away from your partner the things you struggle with because that puts a lot of strain on both your and your partner's capability to contribute to the relationship. I hope that made sense.
P.S - No this is not a first date topic, give it a while, they might not be the one lol. Please don't tell someone's daughter or son you are suffering from depression on your first date. Get a little warmed up to each other first, lol you could scare them away.
Secondly,
Why Are You?
As I said, if you're looking for anything but a "serious relationship blog post" this is not the one for you. But if you're looking for something substantial, you're at the right place. So before you do participate next cuffing season, take some time to think about it, a serious relationship should be one with the ultimate goal of marriage and a lifetime spent together. Many people know this and claim to want it when the truth is, all they want from the relationship, is the status "taken", or the sweet messages and gestures that are often associated with being in a relationship, you know, the "good mornings/nights", the "I love yous", the "I miss yous", the hugs, the hand holding and all that good stuff, forgetting every hard thing that comes along with the easy things, we'll talk about those later in this post.
But many times it's not even to get some sort of delight or excitement from the relationships, sometimes all we are looking for is:
An escape- A way to run away from the issues we don't want to fix or fear facing.
Validation- Being liked enough to be called someone's partner makes us feel accepted or affirmed or approved.
Completion- A way to somehow be whole (which is not even possible).
Relevance- Being wanted may mean you're doing something right.
Inclusion- we want to be part of the love or "couple's reel" trends, the engagements, and the celebrations. Almost like being amongst it all makes us part of something bigger than ourselves.
Some of these things are true and to a certain degree, necessary, being in a relationship could make you "feel" valid, or relevant, it could lessen the burden of worrying about some tough things you've had to deal with on your own, and it does include you into a certain group of people, but these aren't the sole purposes of a relationship, they don't even sum up the entire concept well. Having these as the sole reasons for your involvement with people is dangerous to you, your partner, and the entire relationship. So stop yourself in your tracks, take a seat and think first "do I want to be in a relationship for healthy and right reasons?" And if you do, then you're good to go.
Before I get misquoted, I say they are necessary because facts are, you want to feel valuable, relevant, as well as valid to the relationship, the complete opposite of that is alarming. And yes, getting into a relationship should play a major role in making your problems lighter because you're not to deal with them alone anymore, but viewing these things as independent reasons to get into a relationship will be detrimental.
Thirdly,
Who Are You?
I think this has been my biggest reason for not getting into relationships quickly, I can have the tendency to abandon or quench my individuality to serve relationships. And I've seen it happen over time, people changing who they are to meet the needs and/or standards of a potential mate. And people use the excuse, "compromise", for the reason they change. But I think if you're going to say "it's compromise", then you're in actual sense contradicting yourself. I believe compromise in relationships exists for the sole purpose of highlighting raw individuality that's accepted and known but occasionally set aside for personality accommodation and love's sake. So no, the point to compromise is not to take away your love for music, sport, or travel because your partner doesn't fancy the lot, its to more often go out of your way, or make room to accustom your partner's individuality as well, not leave the entire path behind.
Before you go and date somebody, make sure you're rooted in your identity and you're perfectly fine and accepting of everything that makes you who you are. The "you make me a better person" bit of relationships applies only to the character and not the personality. Don't go changing the very essence of who you are for the sake of a relationship, a couple of years down the line you'll realize that it wasn't worth it and you'll have to start finding yourself again, there's already so much self-discovery you're going to have to keep experiencing in your life even as you navigate your relationship, and that only happens naturally and healthily when you're well aware and assenting of who you currently are, so you don't want to ruin that.
For that person that's not so sure of who they are yet because there are many of us that just aren't sure of exactly who we are, start discovering that and don't let relationships hinder that process. If you are going to get into a relationship and still pursue self-understanding or self-discovery/development, be sure not to sabotage that process by trying to be what your partner would prefer you to be. If you're well aware of who you are and are at no risk of losing yourself to a relationship, you're in the right direction.
And last but not least,
Are You?
Ready To Trust- Are you ready to trust the person, even with the risk of them one day proving to not have been worthy of it, or even though your past experiences make it hard for you to do so? If you're going to put effort into anything in a relationship, it's going to be into trust. If you're going to be with someone but keep an eye open or one foot out the door, you're better off without them really. That's too much for anyone. You might find it hard to trust, but you will have to actively try.
Ready To sacrifice- Let me tell you this, you're going to have to give up and go out of your way a lot of times. And you're going to have to get used to making room for what your partner wants too. Are you sure you're ready to make actual sacrifices?
Ready To Give- Are you ready to continuously pour from your cup into another's? Are you willing to give your time, attention, and affection to the relationship?
Ready To Share- You will have to share your heart, mind, your interests, and your world with this person. By heart I mean the things you treasure, by mind I mean the way you think, your ideas, and your dreams, by world I mean the way you view life, are you ready to eventually open that much of yourself to the relationship?
Ready To Talk- Communicate, and do it well. Are you ready to say what's bothering you, air your views and opinions, and say what you appreciate and what you don't?
Ready To Listen- Are you ready to be an active listener, an active listener isn't just someone that can hear and comprehend what's being spoken, but someone that can also accommodate it. Will you be able to treat what you hear as though it was coming from your mouth?
Ready to keep Choosing them- Love is a Choice and one you're going to have to keep making every day, you might not feel the butterflies in your stomach or get goosebumps as often, but are you ready to keep choosing to love them in spite of how you feel that day, week, month, year or season?
Ready To Forgive- I don't mean take back a cheater or an abuser (female or male). I mean are you ready to continuously show grace when you get offended or hurt? Your partner is the person you will be around the most, which increases the chance of offense, misunderstanding, and mistakes. You can't walk out of relationships after any minor inconvenience, you'd be leaving hundreds of them. Remember you're human too and when you slip up, you'll need that grace too.
Ready To Learn- I'm of the belief, many of the things mentioned prior to this point are things you'll probably have to learn and get a hang of with time. Learning how to accommodate another person and everything they come with as well as learning how to let them accommodate you and everything you come with, is something you're going to have to be ready to do. Constantly accepting that you don't know everything there is to know about relationships, more especially your own, is important because no one ever really does. It's an ongoing process, that will require you to admit when you're wrong and don't know what you thought you knew. Just be ready for the lessons that relationships teach you because the honest truth is some of those lessons are very hard.
So, Are You Really Ready For A Relationship?
If you aren't that's okay, you will. If you are, kudos to you. Let me add though, that being ready for a relationship or the dating scene, doesn't disqualify the chances of heartbreak from disappointment or unexpected occurrences. Life, my friend, is very sneaky, and even if it doesn't have the happy ending you imagined it to, it's probably just not yet here.
I hope something in here helped, If it sounds super complex and involving, it's only because relationships, real ones at best, are not walks in the park. It can take a lot of external and internal effort to make them as easy as we picture and would love them to be.
But if you ask me though, I really hope you're ready or you get ready soon. I want you to experience a steady and healthy love life (not forgetting one with God at the center), I'm rooting for you. Always!
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