Philia.

"The ones who encourage you

during uncertain times

who stand with you

when no one else will

who hold you when you break

and pick up your pieces again

they are your people

treasure them."

-Vic Lejon

PHILIA.

Philia, one of the most salient pieces of the love quartet, Agape, Storge, Eros, and of course itself, Philia. It is described as the love felt by friends.

Friendship. We all have our definitions for it. And I'm no expert either, when I say to you that I've had my struggle with this term, please believe me. I've spent a long time pouring energy and effort into "friendships" that I didn't need to be pouring into, at least not that much energy anyway, all this because I was under the impression anyone I talk to on regular falls under the oh so popular phrase ”a friend". Growing up has taught me quite a number of things concerning this very topic, many a lot of hard truths, like NOT EVERYONE IS YOUR FRIEND.

And hearing this could give a hostile impression to anyone listening, but truly it isn't, it's more so a necessary truth, one that gives grace to those that need it the most, and I've been that one. To say not everyone ought to be your friend, in this case, pointing to more than a companion, a colleague, an acquaintance, or a mere comrade, would be seen as reaching by many people.

Friendship beautifully put by C.S. Lewis is ; a relation between men at their highest level of individuality. It supersedes anything that has to do with everything but each person's uniqueness, what makes you you. But before we get into anything else let's make an amateur's list of what we usually hear friendship is.

Friendship means:

• "We know each other, so we are friends."

• "We were in primary/high school/University together."

• "We are at work together we see each other all the time."

• "We tell jokes all the time.'

• "Our families are close"

• "She/He's friends with my sister/brother/cousins."

• "He/She accepted my FaceBook request or I theirs."

• "We talk every day."

The list is endless. Generally, after having a point of familiarity with individuals as per ordinary conversation the phrase "we are friends" is applied. But this doesn't take any value or significance away from the people we regularly are in constant communication or association with. No, it just gives back the notable value and distinction to those who we share a deeper connection and understanding with.

Did you know, there have been people to live and die without ever having friends? A man can indeed live without friends, the belief that suggests otherwise is often influenced by the misunderstanding of friendship as a whole. A friend is not a means for survival, they are a whole lot more, no argument there because survival can be a by-product, but it doesn't entirely rule out chances for an individual's survival without one. So if you can survive without a friend what's the need for any? Well that right there is the beauty of true and pure friendship, that neither one of you is entitled to be friends with the other, Philia has no strings attached, that's what differentiates it from the other three virtues. We aren't obligated to love the other for reasons tied to our begotten nature, our aspirations to unite and procreate, or the source of our existence and sustenance. When it comes to Philia it solely comes down to who they are and who we are individually, and how we allow our different characters and personalities to resonate.

Let's be a bit more clear, who is a friend?

A friend/s is that single or group of former strangers that happen to now take up a spot in your life and resemble family sometimes even more than the family itself. A friend is a person whose bond doesn't ride entirely on whether you have a point of familiarity, even though that does play a quite vital role, it doesn't sum it all up. Someone said a friendship is one with no quantification, you aren't friends with a person because of how many times you helped them when they needed it or how much you respect them, trust them, were vulnerable with them, sacrificed for them, or understood them, you are friends because you freely chose to love the individual, not for where they've come from, what they've owned, their race, ethnicity, or background, because in friendship each man stands for nothing but what he is. Your familiarity, compatibility, or commonality is nothing but a catalyst for ignition. Trust, Respect, Availability, Vulnerability, Sacrifice, and understanding are by-products of friendships. Simply put, a friend is the person or group of people with whom you share PHILIA.

You don't owe people working friendships but you owe working friendships effort.

SIGNS OF A WORKING FRIENDSHIP.

EFFORT.

I'll start by saying I've had the toughest time with this very sign in friendships over the years, but that's basically because I like many others, grew up with the wrong understanding of friendships and thought every single person that I've interacted with, paying no attention to the time span, is a friend. Which is mentally, physically, and emotionally draining because that narrows it down to almost every single person, that's more people than is acceptable. And the most unfortunate thing about that is they too had the same approach towards friendships. And at the end of the day, we are all pouring energy and effort out into the wrong directions, therefore, draining ourselves and most likely never getting replenished because of all the uncertainty.

When you choose to be a friend to someone and they choose to be friends with you, you are certain about the implications of your choices, that putting in the work of caring, trusting, respecting, being available, and more, will be met with reciprocity and you never have to worry about it ever being otherwise because your understanding of the relationship is mutual.

SELFLESSNESS AND SUPPORT.

I personally think this is one of the beauties of friendship, Love is not self-seeking. Love in friendship isn't either. A friendship must exhibit the highest level of selflessness, you look forward to your goals just as much as look forward to your friend's goals. A working friendship communicates that, "your win is our win", whether either one of the parties is directly influenced or not. As a friend, showcasing Philia is listening to or observing a friend's passions, gifts, and ambitions, and trying to comprehend them almost as if they were your own. Being there to listen to the other, and genuinely listen even if you don't have the answers or even understand half of what's being spoken of, is a part of the effort.

ELEVATION.

I don't even need to stress too much on this, if you ever find yourself hindering a friend's growth either physically, mentally, emotionally, academically, financially, or spiritually, at that very moment in time you could be anything but a friend. A friend is a beacon of affirmation, a true friend is one that you could count on to remind you of your worth, remind you that you can do anything, to reassure you of your plans and ideas, a person that won't target, point out, or highlight your insecurities or shortfalls as a way to make them feel better about themselves ( such people are pure evil I'm sorry) a friend sees it as a pleasure to contribute to your development and does not get jealous of your wins or feel threatened by anything good happening in your life. A friend is a factor of healthy growth, they build you and they do not find chances to tear you apart.

HONESTY AND RESPECT.

A friendship without honesty and respect should be thrown away lol, what purpose does it play then if a group of friends can not be honest with and respect each other. Traits such as bad-mouthing or gossiping, hate speech or making inappropriate comments, and speaking negatively are disrespectful in the highest order and a person that will lie to you and not address you with respect is not your friend and has no love for you at all. (Very personal opinion: most people that are disrespectful or dishonest or prone to lying to other people, are most likely eventually going to be the same to you, friend or not. Old habits die hard)

SACRIFICE, COMPROMISE, AND UNDERSTANDING.

Friendships usually comprise people that are subjectively different from each other, people that have different preferences, interests, understanding, and prioritize different things. With high chances of there being similarities and many things in common, there are also things about them that keep them distinct from one another. So most times, there is a need for understanding, sacrifice, and compromise because it's all part of harnessing the relationship you have with them at their highest level of individuality. Your differences make you separate individuals, it's but normal.

There are definitely more signs of a working friendship but these are the ones I think are the most important.

6 FACTS ABOUT FRIENDSHIPS.

1. They can end - I know this is a bitter truth, but sometimes very unfortunately friendships can cease, and this could be due to various reasons, but not all reasons are bad reasons, some reasons are just inevitable.

2. They change - Friendships change, this could be for the better or for the worst but this is entirely dependent on either individual.

3. They differ - Friendships look different across individuals or groups. There is no one size fits all when it comes to Friendships, some friendships run on different principles, cultures, conducts, and preferences. But the most important aspects remain the same for good friendships that is.

4. They are optional - Another bitter truth, friendships are choices, and to stay in one is completely dependent on an individual, a reason why they aren't to be measured by acts of service.

5. They are rare - True friendships are hard to find honestly, especially in a self-seeking world its hard to find a group of people or a single person that truly wants to stand by you, support you and be a genuine friend to you. Many people are looking to use others as ladders or stepping stones and can go to crazy lengths just to get what they want even if it means they have to feign friendships.

6. They are worth the struggle - As mentioned earlier to love another and choose to play the active role of being their friend is hard and will take some effort, but in the end, when it is successful, it is like finding a jewel, and it's something to be grateful for in the end.

Below is an audio-video clip from part of the Philia chapter in C.S. Lewis's book "The Four Loves" It captures a very vital aspect of friendship and Philia. I personally couldn't explain it better than this so please spare some time to listen, cause it's all Gold.

Words from the Author.

There are many people in my life that I call my friends, many of which I'm typically cool with, as you know the word friend is used to show familiarity as per usual conversation. But there are very few people in my life currently that I could sincerely say I share Philia with, and currently there have been many other friendships that I have lost due to life's spontaneity. I've had good, bad, and ugly fallouts. But if I've learnt anything, it's that friendships change either way and that trying to make every single person a friend is unnecessary and it usually leads to people-pleasing instead of true friendships. I've learnt it's important to actively choose to be a friend, and take your time doing so too.

Know that you can not be forced to be a friend to someone and you can't force others to be a friend to you too. The reality is not everyone wants to be your friend that's not a reason to take offense as C.S Lewis put it; "we are in no way obliged to make any man a friend, and we have no claim that any man should become ours." Remember love in any form is still a choice. So Friendship is one as well.

we are in no way obliged to make any man a friend, and we have no claim that any man should become ours. — C.S. Lewis.

1st Verse of the week.

Proverbs 27 vs 9: "Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel."

See you all soon. Blessings.