Storge.
"A family is many things.
With endless words that show
who they are and what they do
and how they teach you so you know.
But don't be weary if it's broken
or if through time it's been so worn.
Families are like that -
they're split up and always torn.
But even if this happens,
your family will always be.
They help define just who you are
and will be a part of you eternally."
-Nicole M. O'Neil
Quick question? You ever had a family member that you have a hard time liking? This could be because of their occasional or frequent behaviour. C.S Lewis says "anyone can be loved with storge, the ugly the stupid and even the exasperating can be its objects." And I think he's right. Storge is a word that's used to depict a natural and instinctual kind of affection, a familial love, such as one that a parent has for their offspring and vice versa. For this reason, it's referred to as the one most natural love of all the four.
I've heard the phrase, "blood is thicker than water" but I've also heard people say " Friends are God's way of apologizing for your family." or even "Friends are family you get to choose." Funny huh?
So the first phrase implies that there is nothing stronger than the bond that exists between family because family is a bond you share biologically, and then the next two phrases insinuate that your friends can be better than your family because they are people you get to choose instead. Truth is family can be tiresome and they can have all sorts of flaws, from the drama to the jealousy, hatred, disrespect, and disregard, but at the end of it all, they remain that, family, and it's not something you can change hence the option to pick friends that serve as a replacement for family.
Let's take a look at two kinds of families, bare in mind this is just a generalization of what two families on opposite ends of the ordinary family spectrum would look like. It does not suggest perfection or the lack thereof.
THE PERFECT FAMILY.
Just a disclaimer I won't say I come from the perfect family myself, trust me I do not know what that looks like at all, I grew up with a very distorted view of family, and this having nothing to do with my nuclear or extended family. I just didn't quite understand the whole family dynamic very well. Thing is all I know right now is, I know what I want my family in the future to look like. So in my mind, the perfect family would be one consists of individuals that are super supportive and available for one another. I envision not one moment of weakness or vulnerability left to have its way. I think the perfect family works on a random call and an immediate response mechanism where, immediately any cry for help is made by any one member of the family, there is an impulsive heroic response from anyone if not everyone in the rest of the family. Support and Generosity is the order of the day in such a family, the act of stepping in to be a pillar of strength for another is never to much to ask. But that's just what I imagine a perfect family should look like.
Again I do not know if this truly exists, I personally haven't had it like that myself, I'm the firstborn and the rest of my siblings are kids, all our help came from our parents, which of course is as a result of obligation and natural instinct (Storge). I haven't even been around my extended family enough to gauge the levels of perfection in my entire family, but I can tell you this it sure is not perfect. But a family that's anything close to this perfect would most likely function like so for reasons linked to the natural need to be affectionate or fond of the individuals in the family setup. Notice with every other love we can often identify the very moment we fell in love or made a friend, but with storge, we never seem to catch it at its very beginning, and that's because it's already been going on for some time.
Here is what C.S. Lewis says about this particular nature of storge. "The child will love a crusty old gardener who has hardly ever taken any notice of it and shrink from the visitor who is making every attempt to win its regard. But it must be an old gardener, one who has "always" been there the short but seemingly immemorial "always" of childhood." It's based on the mere familiarity that exists with the people around us and those who have always been around us, and many times than most, scratch that, all the time, those people are family.
THE IMPERFECT FAMILY.
Neglect, slander, jealousy, contempt, bitterness, abandonment, distrust, gossip and so much more, are words I've heard people use when referring to their families, yep, I know, sheesh! It's even sadder cause I've heard more complaints about family than I've heard praises. It's always those aunties this, or those uncles that. Said families are families that tend to deal with a lot of issues surrounding jealousy and contempt for other members of the family, and of course, there isn't any standing family that will attest to having played the role of the assailant, every household is a victim. But the denial doesn't turn away the fact that there are people in families that are hostile toward other family members, in the same house or across homes.
Another quote from C.S. Lewis "Every one of Storge’s characteristics is ambivalent’, which means they can be turned to either evil or good." Sometimes families can show hostile behaviour and according to the great mind behind "The Chronicles of Narnia", families can gravitate towards such behaviors for reasons dependant on pure jealousy, with the questions standing particularly at " Why them and not me?" or for reasons dependant entirely on the understanding of any form of progress or sudden change in lifestyle as a form of treason. How so? If ever a family member's, success, or good fortune, or new interest is met with ridicule or contempt it is merely the family's reaction to desertion. When a member, having taken part in the commonality and familiarity that rendered them an indistinguishable entity of the group or family in this context, chooses to do something that makes them stand out almost as if they became in part a stranger, that change is not often received with open arms by family, for storge whose very food is the familiar does not fancy alteration.
Are there any other reasons for hostility to roam freely through the hallways of family? I bet there are many, I'm certain they are as a result of issues that carry intrinsic detail, details tailored to each household.
RANDOM FACTS ABOUT FAMILY.
Family can be annoyingly difficult - I'll start by saying that family doesn't usually have the easiest people to deal with, they can have the worst attitudes, and could even bare criminals (I'm laughing saying this but it's true, trust me I know) but they are yours, and there is nothing you can do about it
Family is complexly beautiful - We can tend to feel pain when our family is absent but not always pleasure when they are present, but definitely we feel anxiety when they are in danger, and more comically tragic, we can feel deep and unending sorrow when bereaved of them with whom a day hardly ever passed free from arguments and quarrels. The paradox.
Family can be draining - I come from an African home and I've seen different family members bare the weight of other members' recklessness and ignorance, for example, when it came to raising children, you know that "sister" that just became your "sister" like two hours ago and she's going to be around for like a really long time, and now you have to share your bed? No? Just me? Cool.
Family is safety - With regard to my previous rant, growing up I had cousins that would come and live with us, for reasons I didn't quite understand clearly at the time, but that taught me that with family you will always have a safe place to call home.
Family is here to stay - You will always have somewhere to fall back on when times get tough or when you need companionship and support because unless they choose to, they will not leave you, they have always been there and they always will.
Words from the Author.
The facts still stay that families can harbour serious hostility as well as healthy levels of love, support, and approval. The major point here is that they are here to stay. I've had many sessions with my friends and we've spoken countless times about the ways our families can display good traits as well as bad ones. But in those conversations what still stands, is that there is nothing quite like family. I personally do not think friends are God's way of apologizing for your family (lol, still can't believe people think this way) because there is nothing to apologize for, God's plan is always perfect, and even though family can be difficult sometimes they are awesome even more times.
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