When Friendships End.

Nothing is permanent except change — Heraclitus.

I don't know about you, but once upon a time, I found joy in this phrase because all I ever thought of when I heard it was every situation I wanted over and done with, and the hope of one day having it all go away because of course, nothing is permanent and things are bound to change, I wanted it to apply to every situation until it did.

Birthday Parties, matching ponytails, soccer in the backyard or the football pitch, talking about boys, talking about girls, playing video games, playing with dolls, slumber parties (sleepovers), playing house, sharing a desk or a bunk bed, study groups, sleepovers, church camp, storytelling, graduating, sharing a workspace, surprise parties, the man cave, girls night out, watching the game, fun at the arcade, sunny day picnics, spa days, engagement dinners, the bridal party, baby showers, god fathering and god mothering, house warming, mummy and me classes, More birthday parties.

We've all done either one of these random activities with someone we thought would always stick around (wait, did I say one, no I mean at least ten of these things) but unfortunately, they didn't. I like to think that the possibility of those friendships fading or coming to a sudden end isn't something we foresee or even expect. When I lost touch with a bunch of friends over time, I started to carry this heavy weight that quite frankly I should not have been carrying in the first place, because I thought I allowed it to happen and I should have done something about it, I should have never given way to the chance. Well, I think I understand this a lot better now because some things, we just can't help.

So, what do you do When friendships end? But before we give that question an answer, let's answer this one:

Why do friendships end?

Like I mentioned a few sentences back, we never really expect these partings. You're never spending a day out with your homies and at the back of your mind thinking "We're not going to be friends anymore." If you do then, woah child, see someone about that. Lol, I'm playing, but if you really do that's cause to either re-evaluate your friendships, or get busy on introspection honey, but that's a topic for another day. Generally speakingh, we never have that train of thought. Especially because these are people we're one hundred percent certain to be our actual friends, you know, they've been tried and tested, and all that mental stuff we do before we decide to keep being friends with these particular people. But why are you seated where you're seated right now, not talking to or ever catching up with that person you once had very consistent and healthy communication with? There are many reasons for that let's explore, shall we?

I've given this a lot of thought, and I'm convinced almost all reasons for friendships to end can be placed under two main categories:

Time And Space.

Growing apart is one of the most common reason for relationships to end, the majority of relationships slowly just fade into existence and most times there's little to nothing we can do about it.

1. Proximity.

After we graduate, pursue our carriers, get promoted, or start families the need to move away may arise. And even when we leave behind the warm and very intentional promise to "Call you every weekend", or "Text every day", the truth is the further we are away from the people we once couldn't go a whole day or week without seeing and being around, the higher the chances of that relationship fading into existence. This isn't to say that failure of friendships is guaranteed by long distance, some friendships may struggle to face the test of time but will definitely prevail if either party moves closer in proximity. But when this change is permanent, most cases don't beat the odds.

2. Interests and Values Change.

With time comes growth, as individuals, we can grow out of certain interests, finding new and possibly better ones along the way. We can adopt different values and let go of others, unfortunately, some of these interests and values we end up dropping are those associated with the friends we once had. We can start to prefer new places, movies, activities, actions, behaviors, and general concepts over the ones we previously did with our previous buddies, depending on how long this goes for, the relationship can come to a strain and eventually end.

3. Make New Friends.

This one would most probably be a subset of the two previous points but I must make it separate just to be more specific. As time goes by and everything about us changes, our interests, our values, and behaviors, we meet new people that may be a lot more compatible with us and we happen to share many commonalities with them. Being around these people can feel a lot more comfortable and easier than trying to hang around the people we've lost commonalities with, and with time we can start to gravitate more towards the people we recently made friends with, and this eventually weakens the bonds we had with old time friends.

Bad Friendship Qualities.

Sometimes it isn't a subtle ending, one that fades almost seamlessly, with no epic bang, or a very noticeable occurrence. Sometimes there's bad blood, misunderstandings, and conflict involved.

1. Betrayal and Disloyalty.

It's sad that sometimes we can find ourselves in positions where our most trusted friends don't seem to be so trustworthy anymore and are not as loyal as we'd want them to be. I know, I wish the world worked differently too, but it doesn't. When people go behind their friends' backs or even worse, are upfront and personal about doing or saying stuff that violates their entire friendship, this becomes a huge problem for it. When there's any cause for one party in a friendship to doubt the other's loyalty to the friendship chances are, the friendship will come to an end.

2. Disrespect.

This one comes in many forms, I can't even begin to mention them all, it could be direct or indirect. Whether it's not respecting opinions, boundaries, interests, values, or the person as a whole, lacking respect for one another in a friendship will definitely call for a split.

3. Lack of Trust.

I am of the idea that relationships are to be built on trust, and I know for a fact that anything that presents itself as friendship but is lacking in the very aspect is definitely not a sound friendship. If you can't trust the person you call your friend anymore, the relationship you have will start to waiver.

4. Expectations Not Met.

When two people have different expectations for what the relationship should comprise, that's with regard to what each party expects from the other, this could cause a lot of havoc. I got a lot more insight from The Art Of Manliness and they explain it a lot better with an even better example, you should check them out. But basically, when what you'd like to be brought to the table in the friendship is not discussed and or the idea runs different across each individual, there can be tension and a sense of injustice felt. One party can begin to feel as though the other isn't putting in as much work or isn't doing what a friend should do, again, with respect to how they think a friend should act, and the other party might take it lightly either because they find it to be a trivial point, or view the situation completely differently.

5. Others.

Jealousy, Selfishness, Secret hate, Envy, Manipulation, Dishonesty, Secrecy, Competition, etc. There are so many of these, the list could really go on and on and on. But the point of this specific blog post is to answer the first question we asked. Which was:

"What do you do when friendships end?"

I say that depends on how and or why it ended. When it comes to friendships that fade away because of time and space, the truth is some friends you'll never see, some you will on very rare occasions, and some you'll probably get back together with. When it comes to the unpredictability that comes with friendships that end this way, the best way to go about it is to have an open mind, be grateful for the times and moments shared in the past, and look forward to one day meeting them and sharing stories about your new lives with each other. Cherish that moment as well for even if it might never happen again, it did. We can't blame people for having lives and living them, especially if that path drives them further away from you, it's life, it has that tendency, but we can celebrate them instead with every chance we get no matter how small that window may seem, it will always be worth it.

When it comes to those endings that leave a scar, I'll say something that not many people want to hear, and that's, to make room for Grace. I know we live in a culture that's starting to run with mottos like "If It's not serving me it's got to go", and I understand the need to get away from someone that hurt you, but the art of reconciliation and forgiveness is very vital, remember we are all human beings and we error A LOT. If any of us made wrong moves or said the wrong thing, or acted the wrong way and ended up hurting the people we call our friends, we would want a chance to make it right, especially if it's a friendship we treasure. I'm just saying before we sign off, it would help to maybe talk about it with the person and try to fix whatsoever the problem is, in the most respectful and dignified way we can because of course shouting and making a scene for the sake of confrontation will do us little to no good, plus we're grown, that's always too much.

I'm not trying to say everyone has good intentions and everyone deserves to be given a second chance, I'm saying the opposite actually. I'm saying not everyone should get written off. Again there are purely evil people out there that disguise themselves as friends, and they can be after you for everything but the actual friendship you have to offer, and these people will need to be kept as far away from you as possible. And it could be someone you really cared for when this happens, I know you feel the betrayal and it stings, but you'll have to believe that God has better for you and be glad you escaped either a manipulative, disrespectful or altogether toxic friendship. This is one of the reasons I recommend placing your friends in prayer and your entire life surrounding friendships, I promise you God does show up all the time.

Friendships are one of the few things I take very personally, I don't do it often either, making friends that is. Because I think having and making real friends is too beautiful of a thing to take lightly, especially if these are people that will have an impact on your life, there really is no rush. Take time to know people and be convinced enough that they are people that care for you and would go the extra mile for you as well, while you are at it you could also re-evaluate yourself and how much of a good friend you're being too. It's easy to point out the reasons everyone else is being a bad friend but harder to detect whether we're being bad friends as well.

I know you want good friends, but are you one as well? And please please please please please, good friends aren't people that live life as you live it, so if the only reason someone isn't being a "good friend" according to your understanding is that they aren't being what YOU would want them to be, ask yourself this, are you being what THEY would want you to be too? Good friendships aren't built from the concept of people giving up their individuality for those they want to keep their bonds intact with, I think it's built from the idea that people should embrace each other's differences, and find and use to their advantage the beauty in the diversity that exists between them. Compromise is something that must be present without a doubt, it's the only way to make room for all the individuality going around in friendships, but giving up your entire person is too big a sacrifice for a friendship, so that too is a point, actually let's make it one:

Bonus Point: Losing Yourself.

If a friendship takes away your individuality and makes you abandon who you're comfortable being, that's too much of a stretch for anyone. Embrace who you are, embrace who others are, embrace each other, that's the Esse'nce of Friendship.